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Twangballs

Wes McGhee portrait on multicoloured guitars, ten things

Ten Things!

#1. 10 Things about … Brexit
With March 29th drawing ever closer and all the experts agreeing that the overall benefits of Brexit amount to the square root of sod all, it’s time to take a close look at what some of the outcomes will actually be, and surprisingly (or not!) one or two people come out of this rather well. But first, let’s look at what the so called ‘people’s vote’ is likely to achieve.
THE NEW EMPIRE
The new Empire won’t be quite as world encompassing as the old Empire. It will consist of England, bits of Wales and…er…that’s it! Parliament will find itself tragically short of peoples to exploit, enslave or massacre. So all in all things are not looking too rosy for the Welsh!
2. COBBLERS
Well, quite! Or shoemakers to me and you. (Be careful here not to slip up and say ‘Schumacher’ because that’s a foreign word and won’t be allowed).
There will be a huge swing swing back into fashion of leather soled shoes. This has less to do with style and more to do with the fact that we’ll all need something to gnaw on when the food runs out. So it will be a boom time for lots of cobblers!
3. TAILORS
There will be many MPs, business moguls, consultants etc. who will be extremely busy lining their own pockets during the oncoming unpleasantness. Suits will need to be made stronger and with many more pockets to meet the demand. However, in a few months time all those suits will have ended their days as landfill, as hopefully will many MPs.
4. HEALTH
Things will look up for our overworked GPs. Once the NHS stockpile of drugs has run out (estimates are about six weeks) our GPs will be able to put their feet up for a while as there will be no medication to prescribe. And, in a totally win win situation there will be a sharp decline in the number of patients needing treatment. Also on a heath note, if you have problems with your bowels or bladder you are going to have to try to hold on, after the 29th it will be illegal to be ‘incontinent’!
5. PORT COUNCILS
A big winner will be the councils of the various port towns. As traffic is brought to a standstill at customs, traffic wardens will be marching up and down the lines of stranded vehicles issuing parking tickets, because that’s what they do, the bastards. The extra millions raised will go towards the councillors’ holiday funds. Unfortunately, there will be nowhere to go on holiday to.
6. METRES
We will once again be able to buy spuds in pounds rather than kilos. Which is sad because you get more in a kilo. It will also be the end of centimetres, and metres, but unfortunately not parking meters.
7. MONEY
Money will be fairly useless. A lottery winner will have to choose whether to spend his fortune on a groovy little ‘pied a terre’ in Knightsbridge or a pound of tomatoes. They’re going to cost about the same. Of course you won’t be able to use the term ‘pied a terre’ for obvious reasons!
8. BOOKS
All subversive books will of course be banned and indeed burned. By subversive we obviously mean ‘foreign’. Market squares throughout the land will be igniting thousands of copies of ‘Heidi’ to cheering crowds. So, OK, I know ‘Heidi” is Swiss and Switzerland is not in the EU, BUT…they are foreign and they did muck about with the shape of Toblerones so it’s fair do’s!
9. SPORT
Sport will be seriously affected. For example the Six Nation Rugby tournament will change into two three nation tournaments. France, Ireland and Italy representing the EU, and England, Wales and Scotland will play for the New Empire. The winner of each group will play each other in a final on neutral ground (Switzerland again!) and according to the new rules voted on by a referendum they will play to the death.
10. LANGUAGE
Tricky one here! Although traditionalists think English should be the lingua franca (sorry foreign again!) for the new Empire, over the last forty or so years English has been looked upon as another European language, and therefore cannot be used. Anyway, Jacob Rees Mogg and his daft blond twat of a mate, Doris or Norris or something have a solution. We will all go back to speaking Latin! The obvious flaw in this plan is that Latin originated in Italy which is of course frightfully foreign. And anyway, the English are not great at learning languages. My daughter speaks several languages (some of which I’m sure she makes up) and she says that to learn a language you must think in that language. I tried that, now I don’t understand what I’m thinking!
11. THE BACKSTOP
Yes, I know I can’t count but bear with me. Think of this as a bonus track.
The backstop. Nobody knows what it is. The people who are supposed to know, know even less about it, so let me explain using a cricketing analogy.
A backstop is a fielder placed way back on the boundary directly behind the wicket keeper. This is done usually because the wicket keeper is totally inept. The whole team knows this, but nobody wants to take over the job…yet!
There, does that help?
I’ll say no more.

NEXT TIME….’10 Reasons El Twang should get out more!’
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